My Super Power

Ever since I can remember, my father spoke of a gift. An ability passed down from generation to generation, from father to son. I’ve seen my dad use it in public with incredible stealth. The man could clear an elevator if need be, for his gas was deadly. Many a time I’ve been caught in the fallout of his blasts. It’s amazing that I don’t have cancer of the nose. The stench is so pungent that if stink were people, he’d be China.

Then one day I found that I had been given the gift. For the most part, I keep this superhuman ability under control. Though such power can’t always be contained, as a few of my coworkers found out.

I was working at UPS loading trucks with packages off of a conveyor belt. The work was fast-paced and high-energy so you let ‘em rip whenever possible. It was during this time that I had access to an orange tree and I would eat one every day with breakfast. This caused me to become very regular, and every day, at the exact same time, Mother Nature called. I would respond with a few preliminary cheek-sneaks before running off to finish the job. Well, one day, a guy near me on the belt said, “Dude, what the hell IS that?” and the guy across from him said, “I don’t know man, but I think there’s a sewage plant nearby and they must dump it or something.”

Which means they couldn’t believe that a stench of this magnitude could possible come from just one person, so it must be the collective funk of the city.

I’ve never had a harder time controlling my laughter. My lips quiver, my stomach shakes, and I have to go into the truck and stop loading just to laugh silently.

I don’t eat oranges any more.